1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
