I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
