i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
of course. lets lasso hookers.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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