so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
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I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
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She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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