I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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