Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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