I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
