Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
