sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
