I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
