I wish I could punch you in the face.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
