Umm I'm too high to move.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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