I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
