In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
