i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
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My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
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you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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