What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Small penises have feelings too.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
