Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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