Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
