i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
