I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
