omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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