I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
