You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
