final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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