Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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