Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
