Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
