If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
