I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize