Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
