I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
