You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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