just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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