thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
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We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
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And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...