we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
