so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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