There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Life is so much better after having sex.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
two words...techno handjob
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
3 2 1 whiskey
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
