have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
