you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
