I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
