If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
