how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Randomize
