the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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