just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
