I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
