felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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