my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I did not marry a roomba.
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