I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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