I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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