i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
