The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We got so high we made milksteak
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
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after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
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Maybe he injected his testicle?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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