There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
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I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
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I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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